Let’s take a moment to acknowledge the lengths people are willing to go to lose weight while avoiding good old-fashioned diet and exercise. I’m trying not to judge, but I can’t help but think of all the millions of dollars these companies made from people’s stupidity and laziness.
Here Are The 6 Most Absurd Diet & Fitness Gimmicks:
1. The Hawaii Chair ($350)
Because why should you have to stand up to exercise? Plus, kill two birds with one stone at the office. Pop a squat and let the Hawaii share swivel your hips to provide a “complete fat burning aerobic workout.” I don’t know how practical it is to be in constant motion while attempting to write or type. Hopefully, your boss won’t mind decoding your chicken scratch on all those reports.
Alternative: If you look like Quasimodo while sitting at your desk, swap out your office chair for an exercise ball. Another option is to lose the chair altogether and stand.
2. Power Balance Band ($10 and up)
The power balance claimed to improve balance, strength, endurance, and flexibility. BUT HOW?
The little plastic band contained magical fairy dust, obviously. Okay, not really. That explanation is almost as moronic as using holographic technology to “react positively with the body’s natural energy field.” Umm, sure, whatever the Hell that means.
Thankfully, justice was served for all those who thought a $10 bracelet was the answer to their lack of athleticism. The company agreed to settle the class-action lawsuit, and purchasers were entitled to a full refund plus shipping.
Alternative: HIIT, Lift weights, foam roll, and repeat
3. The Telephone Dumbbell ($38/42)
We can thank the innovative Japanese for this little gem. Get fit AF during a drawn-out conference call with this 11-pound dumbbell attachment.
This ridiculous invention apparently caught on for a brief period. Back in 2014, a modern design for the iPhone made an appearance. The ToneFone was available in 2.2 ($38) and 3.3 pounds ($42). Millennials’ wrists must’ve grown tired because the item is no longer for sale.
Alternative: *DRUMROLL* Pick up a real dumbbell!
4. ThighMaster ($9)
Hey, ladies, you know the disgracing adductors/abductors machine (A.K.A. the “vagina machine” or the “good girl, naughty girl machine”) at the gym? The mere thought of making eye contact with a fellow gym member as you sit on the throne of shame is crippling. Well, Suzanne Somers, 80s fitness queen, wanted a thigh gap without the scrutiny. She teamed up with the dude who first patented the Mood Ring (MY MOOD RING SAYS I’M HAPPY, BUT I’M ACTUALLY SAD!), and VOILA…the ThighMaster was born. Women everywhere were finally able to practice squeezing their legs open and close in the comfort of their living rooms. On a side note, there are a few DIY tutorials on transforming your ThighMaster into a sex toy with a few easy modifications. So, whip that dusty baby out of storage!
Alternative: Banded glute bridges
5. Diet Sunglasses ($19)
“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.” That’s somewhat the idea behind these diet sunglasses, created by a Japanese company. Just throw on a pair of these blue shades and your appetite will be completely spoiled. According to color theorists, blue is the least appetizing color. Our brains associate it with eating mold (my eight-year-old blue raspberry-flavored lovin’ self would have strongly disagreed!).
Alternative: Portion control > Spoiling your appetite
6. Toning Shoes ($50+)
Back in 2010, toning shoes were all the rage. They claimed to tone muscles (especially DAT ASS), burn more calories, improve posture, and reduce joint stress. I remember watching the instructional video for Sketchers Shape-Ups, which was a solid five minutes of zooming in on women’s asses while they walked. And then Sketchers got even smarter and utilized Kim Kardashian’s ass. I can’t imagine the utter disappointment of those poor girls who believed a pair of shoes could get them a Kim K booty. Well, Sketchers ended up paying $40 million to settle charges by the Federal Trade Commission for false advertising.
Alternative: Hip thrusts