My husband is positive that I am crazy. To be honest, I might be. There are days I simply can’t keep things straight. I blame my kids, husband, dog, house, job, and any other excuse I can think of. It’s easy to blame others, but my instinct points in a different direction. I think women are created with a certain chromosome for paranoid thoughts. Why do we have them? I think it’s part of the genetic glue that binds us together. Women are a mixture of beauty, grace, intelligence, fortitude, and just enough crazy to be unbelievably dangerous. Here are 10 paranoid thoughts most women have:
1. Is He Cheating?
Have you ever wondered if your husband or boyfriend was late because of another woman? Have you waited for him to jump in the shower and then frantically searched through his phone? Your man could be a shining example of integrity and trust, but if he’s 15 minutes late, your mind wanders to a dark place: Why is he so late? Could he be cheating? Is he really just one big sleazebag?2. The Nip Slip
Before putting on a strapless top, I ask myself if I’ll be doing anything that may cause a nip slip. I think nip slips are a universal fear among women. At the beach, that super cute bandeau top will go down with the waves. And don’t even think about diving in the pool without a secure bathing suit top. Hey, you may come across yourself on YouTube for all to see.3. I See London, I See France
Panties are always on women’s minds, “Can they see my panty lines?” If you wear thongs, you are probably in the clear, but then you have to worry about “whale tail.” I strictly wear granny panties. I know they can see France all over my backside. However, I still think, “Are they staring at my panty lines?” I’m insane.4. What Are They Whispering About?
Anytime, anyone, or anywhere we hear whispers, women assume they are about them. President Obama could pause in the middle of a press conference, lean back to whisper to his staffer, and we’d think, “Wow, he’s definitely talkin’ sh*t about me right now.” Yeah, honey, you’re just that special.
5. Public Pooping
I am not a fan of pooping in public. I avoid it at all costs. If it cannot be avoided, I’m worried people will know I’m the one in the bathroom droppin’ a deuce. I envision a crowd of women standing outside the stall, pointing, whispering, and pinching their noses.
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6. Did I Say What I Think I Said?
How many times have you said something and then thought, “Did I just say what I think I said, or did I say what I meant to say?” I get so confused and worried whether or not I offended someone, and then shoot a text or email to clarify.7. Are You Mad?
I am always worried my husband is upset. I probably ask him 15 times a day, “Whats wrong? Are you OK?” He always says he’s fine, but I sit and wonder what his problem is. Meanwhile, he’s most likely just sitting there thinking about fishing, golfing, sex, or absolutely nothing.8. My Mom Always Says That
I was always worried that I would end up just like my mother. Guess what, I did. I am just as crazy as she is. However, at 35, I have realized that I am fine with it. My mom is a pretty great gal and genetics are hard to beat. Sometimes I can actually hear her voice when I am in the middle of saying something. It’s pretty creepy.9. Trade-In Model
Twelve years of marriage and three kids later, I sometimes ask myself, “Are we really going to grow old together?” Divorce is everywhere, and my paranoid brain will go directly to the thought that he will eventually trade me in for a newer model. Perhaps a firm 25-year-old with big perky breasts and no stretch marks. I know he loves me, stretch marks and all, but the thought is always lingering.10. How Much Therapy Is My Kid Going To Need?
I always wanted children. Being a mom was something I was made for. And yup, the rumors are true: Raising children is the hardest freakin’ job on the planet. It’s going to be impossible to NOT screw up my kid. I will do my best, but I will indefinitely fail at some point. What will be the reason they’re seeking out a shrink? Only time will tell. Pre-paid therapy may not be a bad idea. Not everyone is built to go to college.So if you are like me, you probably have had many of these paranoid thoughts. Take solace in the fact that so many women share this paranoid psychosis. I am convinced that my crazy is charming, and it makes me the person that I am supposed to be.