Forget politics, Pokémon and CrossFit; it’s boobs that are the most contentious issue of our times. They, more than workouts, chicken and fit men (even the impressive Wout Poels) dominate our thoughts. For those of us who are naturally well endowed, they are like uninvited houseguests with expensive tastes, however, gym is life, so we holster up and soldier on.
While there are many perks to having a little extra on top, there are a few booby traps (see what I did there?) unique to the fit chick with anything bigger than a B cup. So the next time you see us looking all boobilicious, please know it is mostly accidental and we’re trying our damnedest to keep those bad boys in check. The struggle is oh so real.
1. What To Wear
While our friends can buy cute little workout tops with built in sports bras, we can’t. They are for women whose breasts don’t have their own zip code. If we want to do a gym workout without ending up with a concussion or black eyes, we need specialist armor plated-type sports bras.
2. Sports Bras
Shopping for them involves a finely orchestrated dance:
Step 1. Go to every department store and sports shop within a 50-mile radius. Come away disappointed.
Step 2. Drown your sorrows in wine.
Step 3. Find a specialist online store, key in your measurements and hope for the price quoted that the bras wash themselves.
Step 4. Take out a loan and buy in bulk.
3. No Jumping Please, We Have Boobs
Jump squats, jumping jacks, even high knees all come with a warning. If your ta-ta’s are bigger than a C cup, accept that doubling up on sports bras for some workouts is not an option, it’s a must. No matter what we wear, some exercises are the equivalent of a naked Ryan Reynolds walking into the female changing room. Someone is going to get hurt.
4. We Put The X in Extra
Even with two sports bras squashing our girls into submission, we still look like we’re staring in our own softcore version of Doris Does The Gym. Bent over rows, deadlifts, and most chest exercises can only be safely done in an empty gym. Forget a spotter, what we need is a blocker, someone who will protect our modesty and shield us from flashing the entire gym.
5. Dem Puppies
People think we’re always trying to flash them with our big boobs. Short of wearing a turtleneck in the gym, there’s very little we can do to keep the girls from trying to say hello to everyone. They are like over-excited puppies — badly behaved over-excited puppies. No matter what we do, they just won’t stay. Bad puppies.
6. Groundless Accusations
We get asked if we’ve had boob jobs. Due to the proliferation of breast enhanced fitness models, people assume we’re all enhanced. If I’m doing heavy ass deadlifts and renegade rows while trying not to fall on my face instead of taking selfies, chances are, I am not a fitness model. Still, thank you for thinking my girls look good enough to be fake. I am counting that as a win!
7. Every Day Is Chest Day
Monday (or International Chest Day) is always a challenge. First, it’s the layering of the sports bras, then the challenge of finding exercises that won’t cause the girls to slip out and strangle us. Decline chest press? More like suicide attempt! Then there’s always the dilemma of getting a spotter who won’t get distracted. Any wonder we’re always working on our legs?
8. Core Gravity
Planking? Try face planting. It is just not for us. It is enough of a challenge for our core to stop us from falling forward whenever we move. We have other ways of strengthening our core without the threat of losing the fight against gravity.
9. What You See Isn’t Always What You Get
Our bodies conspire against us. Even though we’re rocking 20% body fat and can out-lift most other women in the gym, our chest pillows make us look bigger than we actually are. We have no choice but to work extra hard on that booty and legs to balance out the chest.
10. Boob Sweat.
Swamp tits. Nuff said!
11. What Goes Up, Must Come Down
As much as we complain about the size of them, we live in fear of the day they deflate. We know it’s often a trade-off, as our fitness levels increase and we drop body fat but it’s still a sobering thought.