From an outside perspective, the gym is a bizarre place. People march themselves in there every day, tearing their muscles down and running themselves into the ground, often times for the pure joy of it. The people who don’t do it think we’re crazy. But, that’s just the beginning. Once you get into the gym and encounter the endless characters, it only gets weirder. Welcome to Wonderland. Here comes the rabbit hole…
You know the guy. He prevents you from taking your sweatpants off. He keeps you away from the squat rack. And God forbid you ever wear shorts again.
Now, it’s pretty standard for eyes to wander at the gym, but this dude has no shame. He sees what he wants and he burns a hole in your soul with his creepy penetrating eyes. He’s basically the only reason you watch the news at night. You just know this dude is on the verge of landing himself in jail for taking his creeping to that next level.
The Unsolicited Advice Giver
“Hi. I’m not qualified. I’m out of shape. But, here, let me tell you everything you’re doing wrong and how to correct it.” There’s always one that fits this stereotype to a T. Bonus points if he walks around wearing a weight belt for arm day. You can’t escape him. The second you walk in the door he’s watching you. Waiting. Waiting for his opportunity to bestow his endless supply of knowledge on you.
There’s no such thing as a conversation with this guy. It doesn’t matter who you are. He won’t talk to you. He’ll talk at you. He’s basically a robot filled with useless, incorrect knowledge and a dank, musky smell.
The Super Setter
PRODUCTIVITY IS HIS OBJECTIVE. ANNOYANCE IS HIS ACCOMPLISHMENT.
You walk into the gym and, ahh, it’s only you and a few other lifters. Easy in and out; no waiting on equipment. You meander over to a machine only to see someone is using it. That’s fine. Onto the next. But, alas, it’s being used. Confused, you look around at the empty gym and realize…it’s the super setter.
This is the person who thinks they’re utilizing their time in the gym wisely. Cutting their lifting time in half. When, in actuality, they’re potentially cutting their lifespan in life. Because ain’t nobody got time for that.
He bounds from one machine to the next. Pretty sure he’s getting more of a workout running machine to machine to inform an innocent passerby that he’s using that machine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it. You’re ‘productive’.
He’s not the biggest guy in the gym. But man does he make up for it with his bark. His psychological assessment would suggest this dude is seriously insecure. He wants you to watch him. It’s pretty much the equivalent of a kid on the playground screaming, “MOM! WATCH ME!”
Plus, the more men in the gym, the louder the grunter gets. MUST. ASSERT. DOMINANCE. The next step in the evolution of the grunter: peeing on the equipment to mark his territory. Yikes.
Her objective is clear. Find open mirror space with the best lighting and look as cute as humanly possible. She’s definitely not there to work out. Unless it’s strictly glute work to really pump up the likes in her pics.
Not a single drop of sweat has graced her perfectly made up face. Working out would smudge her make-up, or even worse, soil her Lululemons. Gasp. The horror.
The Little Big Guy
Poor little big guy. He walks in; lats flared, head high, sleeves off of his shirt…gone. Are you picturing a big, muscled up meat head? You’d be wrong. This guy has no business doing, well, anything he’s doing.
Walking around with his ego inflated, his cut off shirt, and his invisible biceps popping. When this dude wakes up in the morning, he looks in the mirror and it’s pretty much the equivalent of a kitten looking at its reflection and seeing a lion. I pray for this dude if he ever finds himself in a bar brawl.
His superpower? Flexing in as many different mirrors, at as many different angles as possible. He’s flexing muscles you didn’t even know existed. Does he even lift? If so, you haven’t seen it.
The only time he actually picks up a weight is when his pump is wearing off. And let’s be real, flexing isn’t even worth it if you don’t have a sick pump bruh.
The Has Been
Lifting belt. Check. Sleeveless sweatshirt. Check. Gallon jug. Check. An annoying habit of following everyone around the gym and telling them how much you ‘used to lift’. Check.
This guy was the real deal. Or so you hear. From him. Constantly. Oh, you hit a new PR? That’s nothing! He lifted that weight for REPS 20 years ago. No matter what you do or how much weight you lift, this guy has done it. Only better.
The Wheel Spinners
You’ve seen them in the gym for years. Every day. And they look exactly the same. You sit and ponder how it’s even possible to be so consistent, yet so subpar. Rather than running a race and progressing, they’re basically running on the treadmill. Spinning their wheels.
Some people go to the gym to get healthy; this guy goes purely for the social aspect. In the middle of a set? No biggie, this guy can just scream over your music.
Trying to sweat it out on the elliptical? He’s got your back to keep you company! Kiss your music goodbye. You may as well just leave your headphones at home because you’ll be listening to the soothing tones of The Talker.
The Phone Addict
For this guy or gal, every day is thumb day. Workouts include:
- 3×10 – sit and text
- 4×8 – stand and scroll
- 2×15 – stretch and post
Their mindset: “Hey, I’m in the gym, therefore I’m working out!”
A solid 30 minutes of sitting on the pec dec, followed by a 15 minute light walk (eyes fixed on their device at all times) should do the trick! They’ll be a professional at, well, absolutely nothing in no time.
The Attention Whore
Short shorts reaching just below the butt cheeks, and crop top just below her chest…BUT HOW DARE YOU STARE AT HER. She dresses to impress at all times. But if for some reason you stop paying her your undivided attention, she’ll squeal with laughter, or scream to her friends from across the gym.
She’s seemingly innocent, but this girl needs ALL the attention. There’s a designated stretching room, but this chick sets herself up right in front of the squat rack. Because she knows there are plenty of eyes watching her prance around in the weight room. God forbid if another fit chick enters her territory. Then we have an all-out war.
The Fit Couple
They’re dating. And they make sure you know it. You happen to glance at this dudes chick, and he’s all over her. Ask this girls boyfriend how many sets he has left? You’ll get a penetrating glare from across the gym.
There goes your chance at ever being friends with that chick. “Good set honey!” “Baaaabe! Way to gooooo!” They’re soooo cute as they kiss between every set. It’s cute at first, but after about ten minutes, it’s all you can do to not kiss them both with your fist.
The Bro Brigade
This pack of bros migrates together across the gym floor. Stalking the bench. Waiting to pounce. Once they’re in their element, these bros begin to howl with encouragement. Shrieking and screaming like apes, rooting on their brethren to lift that weight.
Just one more! “COME ON! GET IT!” Slapping each other’s backs, almost evoking a full blown riot. But then they realize; this is not the jungle. This is the gym. And it’s time to go home and feast.
Wrapping It Up
If you’re a regular in the gym, odds are you’ve seen one of these stereotypes. If you haven’t, then you probably are one.
Keep your eyes peeled and put your guard up or you could fall victim to one of these gym goers. Which could lead to a very, very bad time. On second thought, how about those home gyms?