There’s nothing quite like the love-hate relationship you have with your personal trainer. You simultaneously feel like he or she is a slave driver and a body-shaping genius. It’s an emotional rollercoaster of pain and gain. There are so many things you want to tell your trainer during a session, but you never will.
1. Last week, I had pizza three days in a row.
2. Okay, I need a bikini-ready bod in two weeks. You need to make this happen.
3. I could hold this plank all day if you took your shirt off.
4. Is this really necessary? I look like an idiot, and people are staring. You enjoy humiliating me, don’t you? You’re sick.
5. I swear to God I will fire your ass on the spot if you make me do burpees again. Byeeeee!
6. *Foam rolling* I hate you. I hate you with every fiber of my being. You are an awful human being. HELP! Somebody help me!
7. Why can’t you get me abs like hers?
8. I’m going to smash that phone If you don’t stop texting.
9. FML! I’m so hungover. I should’ve canceled.
10. Only 30 more seconds to go? 30 SECONDS? IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?
11. Damn, you’re right. I do look good.
12. HEY! HELLOOO! EARTH TO FABIO! STOP LOOKING AT HER! YOU LOOK AT ME! I PAY YOU TO LOOK AT ME!
13. *Reading meal plan* I’d rather catch Ebola than eat another piece of chicken.
14. Dude, can you not blow your dragon breath right in my face? Holy Halitosis!
15. Don’t fart, don’t fart, don’t fart.
16. My boyfriend loves how flexible I am.
17. Woah, buddy! I’m going to start charging you for sessions with those friendly hands of yours.
18. My boobs are shrinking but my stomach isn’t? What kind of black magic is this?
19. Last night, my friends force-fed me Taco Bell….those bitches. I wish you were there to stop them.
20. If I time it perfectly, I can just blame the fart on that dude over there.
21. No! No! No! I can’t do this! GTFO OF MY LIFE!
22. Huh? Sorry, I was distracted because your biceps suddenly entered my field of vision. You’re going to have to demonstrate that exercise again.
23. Five more reps? LOL. Are you volunteering to roll me around in a wheelchair for the next five days?
24. What do you mean only one glass of wine per night? You think I can just stop after one?
25. I’m going to puke. I’m going to vomit all over your face.
26. Okay, maybe I can do this. I’m dramatic.
27. Cool story, bro. Can we talk about me now?
28. Aright, Gunnery Sergeant Hartman…say it, don’t spray it.
29. I’ve gained three pounds. This is clearly all your fault.
30. Breathe through it? Thanks for the great advice, pal.
31. Can we please do more squats? I need a booty! I needed it yesterday!
32. Does this exercise even do anything? I don’t feel like I’m doing anything—HOLY SH*T! NEVERMIND…definitely feel that!
33. Satan has sent you here to torture me.
34. Would it be out of line if I ask to see your abs?
35. What is this exercise? WTF AM I DOING?
36. *End of foam rolling* I love you. I’m sending all my friends to you.